A chance for us.

Haven't been sleeping well and eating well. No appetite and even making myself drunk can't get myself to sleep. Tired, but insomnia... I've been depending on pills and sleeping pills to get my sleep... Without you, there seems no direction in my life.. It feels that only with you, i can feel happy...

Two days back you messaged me, you said the memories are coming back these days... Am i supposed to feel happy ? I missed you so much, and i've been really feeling so stress. You agreed to meet me on sunday , i was so happy, can't express my feelings... I want to shout to the world, want the whole world to know my happiness... But no one felt happy for me.. No body want to see us together, no body supported my love for you... "Why are you getting yourself hurt again and again. Why are you so blinded by someone who doesn't know how to love you? Why do you want to feel pain all over again and let yourself endure and struggle through so much shits.." I know its only because they cared, because they worry that i may hurt myself again putting in so much, but i cant control those feelings...They say its only that i wouldn't open the door to someone else because I'm afraid, maybe its true... I am so tired of letting someone else in, and getting hurt all over again. Even though i have struggled thru and hurt so much in this relationship but i just can't let go...

I couldn't sleep last night... I missed you so much... You said you'd give us a chance to be back together, to let us be sweet one last time. I can't deny that I'm afraid, I'm afraid that there's some motive behind your decision, i don't know what made you want us back, but I sure am happy... We messaged, i can't control myself from wanting to talk to you, but your replies were cold... Why ? You want to be back, but you treated me differently... I will change, i will be good, but how ?

There's just so much insecurities... I'm afraid you have other girls, afraid there's someone else as your back up plan, afraid that you such want me back because you feel lonely for the time being, so much things I'm afraid of, but what can I do, I miss you so much and I feel so lost without you with me. I will try my best to be a good gf, i will be sweet be gentle... I just hope this time things will work out, I don't mind how others look at me, how others think of me... Because for you, it's worth it as I love you.. I hope you will understand, i hope you will change too, I hope everything will be fine...

xoxo.

I thought our love was strong

There's so much i want to sound out, so much feelings i want to express ... But where do i start from , and how do i do it... I feel so much sorrow, feel so much unhappiness, feel so much pain...

I wished you knew how i am feeling... I guess you did but no, you don't care and you wouldn't want to care... I still remember the first time our eyes met, the first place we went together, and the first movie we watched. There was so much memories... Be it good or bad, its still memories... And its holding me back so much, i want to move on but i don't know how and i simply can't... I don understand how, i don't know why you can move on so easily, you can find another girl so fast, you can just completely ignore me and my feelings, after being together for 11 months, although it wasn't a long duration of relationship, but my love was always strong and real. I admit i have thought of letting go when we were together, but no, i held on tight.

The story began when i was working in a pub... At that point of time we knew each other, but we weren't close so i didn't bother much about you. Slowly you contacted me, we went out... You flirted with my colleagues, but i didn't know until they told me, i was feeling embarrassed but i didn't really let those feelings control me. We still went out, and on the 9th day of really knowing each other, we got together...

It was fast that we got together, i thought it would be a relationship i wouldn't get so affected and committed to. At that point of time i was working both nightlife and as an admin at hdb. You sent me to work, and fetched me from work. You had long hair and i thought it was really ugly, without any second thought, you went to cut it all away, i was shocked you did that, really. That was the first time i really felt so much in love, but i didn't let you know because i was afraid of getting hurt, i was afraid of just getting used. I always thew tantrums, you always gave in. We had arguments, but we always solved it in the end. Everyday without fail, you'd come to fetch me off work, i was very happy... You wanted me to quit my pub waitress job after some time, i was reluctant but still, i quit as you didn't like it. You didn't want me to contact my friends, so i lost alot of friends...

After some time, we bought a puppy, i was so happy, i always wanted a puppy of my own. And now we had a puppy of our own, something that represents our love, i thought. Few months later, you wanted to sell her away, i was sad, i was angry, i was disappointed. You knew, but you insisted, i cried. Yet, i tried to let go.

Then, alot of things happened... For no reasons, you wanted to your fun and freedom, you went to meet girls, went out drinking and fooled around... I begged you back, begged you not to leave, after some time you came back.... Everything was going fine...Everything, except that your family hated me for no reasons... They'd scold me so much till i cry so many times and you only stood up for me once, i was fine with it, because i loved you... And until now... I have no idea what happened to our love, i have no idea why you wanted to leave. I spent all my time, all my savings on you.. Now you're rich, you left without saying a thing... You ignored me, you just wanted to have nothing to do with me, even when..... there's a new life in me, you wanted to deny its yours...

Have you forgotten, when you were at your poorest and lowest time in life, when no one else stood by you, i was the only one who financially and morally supported you. When you have no money, i paid for everything, i never once thought of leaving because you're poor, because my love for you was so true, i couldn't ever imagine myself without you. You once promised you wouldn't leave once you are richer, but you did. I struggled and endured so much with you, i never left you, i never gave up on you... How could you forget that... I loved you so much, maybe my temper and attitude was bad, maybe i wasnt a good girlfriend... but i promised i would change, why couldn't you give me just once change to find a way back for our love.... How could you become so heartless, where is your humanity...
Every night i cry myself to sleep, I keep going drinking just to forget about everything, just to feel company around me so i wouldn't have to feel so lonely. But no matter how big the crowd is, my heart is still empty... Suicidal thoughts came to me, i wanted to, so badly, but i had no courage... If i had the courage, I really want to leave this world and just forget about everything...
Some of your friends and people have approached me, wanting to know what happen, wanting to go out together, wanting to have a chance, but no, i couldn't do it... I can't... I thought our love was strong, everyone thought we were lovely, but everyone was wrong, I was wrong.... I can never forget the 11 months together, we went through much more than the things i have posted here, how can you simply just forget everything about us.... You were once my everything, my world, my life... I can never love someone as much as i once loved you again...